Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
