Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
