don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
