you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
