mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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