everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
