Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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