as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
