My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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