she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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