I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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