Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
false alarm. still invincible.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
