And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
And then my night got REAL pukey
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
