did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
