It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
