apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
