I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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