There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
