Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
