1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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