I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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