my vag is so smooth its legendary
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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