I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
