I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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