Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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