im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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