I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
