i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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