i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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