tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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