you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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