Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
