i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
