There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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