this beer tastes like vomit already
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
