Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
