Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
