She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
