Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
