Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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