We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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