Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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