She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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