my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
