she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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