things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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