Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
