We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
