i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
