Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
