Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
